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Talk:Pilot/@comment-24922135-20170613212111
Right, I'm going to do my TNO-style review comments. I'm very critical, but that doesn't mean I think this is bad. That being said, there is very little here to compliment. 'Ben fights Animo' is a very basic premise and about all that gets established other than Ben being from Dimension 23 and that a 'Steve' character exists. Again, I mean no offence if I seem overly-critical. I write like this because I want to see you improve as a writer. The episode opens at a city zoo. Everything seems peaceful, when all of the sudden, mutant animals show up out of nowhere. People start screaming and running away. A mutant frog is seen to be leading them, with a man riding it. Show, don't tell, my dude. Animo: It is time! It is time for me to conquer the world! With the power of my trans-modulator, I can seize control of the wildlife, hundreds at a time! When my army of Mutant Animals charges, the whole world will be trampled, and everyone shall recognize the might of Doctor Aloysius James Animo! Holy exposition Batman Animo: You...you're that wannabe hero from the news, Ben 23. Again, show don't tell. Also it seems out of character for Ben 23 to swear. He's a showman, after all. Swearing isn't great for views. Animo: How nice of you to show up. Now I can rid the world from you, once and for all! "rid the world of you" 23: Heard that before. And now, I'm gonna let it happen. What part of Animo's dialogue convinced Ben to finally let someone end his life? ...causing the rhino to ram into wall. This phrase got a giggle out of me because when I re-read it I read it in Chris (Oneyplay)'s voice. An mutant hamster knocks 23 into a pile of trash. # "A''' mutant hamster" # since the army of animals was previously described as "mutant animals" previously in the script, I had no idea there even WAS a Hamster so he just sounds like he comes out of nowhere. This would've read better if the army was described in more detail at the beginning. Same goes for the mutant rhino from before, since I thought Animo was riding that until I reread the first paragraph. 23: Glad Steve's not here to make that joke. This is episode 1. I have no idea who Steve is or what his dynamic is with Ben's character, therefore this remark has no effect. He gets up and activates the Hero Watch. He dials through a dog, a monkey, before stoping at a fiery humanoid. # "'''stopping" # This bit would have benefited from describing Ben's appearance previously. If I didn't draw the connection between this Ben 23 and the canon one, I would have no idea what a Hero Watch is. # That list reads poorly. Maybe "He dials through a dog, then a monkey, before stopping at a fiery humanoid." would read better? He smacks the dial down and transforms. This line would benefit from actually describing the actions of the Hero Watch. I assumed that his Hero Watch was kinda like the OV watch and therefore didn't think the dial had popped up yet. This is why establishing and describing things is important.